Ha Long Bay/Sapa (July 10-14/15-18)

Oh hello there! Sorry about that, didn't see you come in. Yes it's me again, back from the dead. For those of you concerned the answer is no, I haven't been arrested, deported, joined the official list of tourists "gone missing," joined a renegade separatist militia, or been sodomized by some lady boy in any way shape or form! Truth be told, Vietnam is not exactly the technological hub of South East Asia. Skype (a computer based phone service) is hit or miss at best, and the connections over here are so slow that they make Terry Fox climbing Mt. Everest look quick. But I digress, I'm making excuses. Where did we leave off? Ah yes Hanoi. In between Hanoi there should have been a blog entry regarding my trips to Ha Long Bay and Sapa.



Ha Long Bay was absolutely gorgeous, there's no other way to describe it.



Located on the east coast of Vietnam, this is a popular tourist destination for those who are getting extremely fed up with Hanoi.....or as I have coined the phrase....."Hanoid." (A little Vietnamese humor there.)



Speaking of gorgeous....



Okay, okay enough self-indulgence for one entry. My two companions (who were very upset by me not mentioning their names in the previous entry,) are Jenna Shelley, featured in the first photograph on the left and her respective partner in crime, Caley Borden. Neither one of them has let me touch their fun bits yet but I have one more night to go and two bottles of red wine so lets all cross our fingers and hope for the best.



Oh right. Ha Long Bay. After a short train ride we boarded out luxury yacht for the cruise around the islands.



Some of the sights included Pagoda's located on the top's of cliffs...




And fishing villages......located, not surprisingly, on the water!



One of the stops on the way to our destination that day were the ancient caves of something-or- other which were very sacred because of the amount of money the local government has put into making them look like a U2 concert.





When we finally arrived at our private island.........oh did I forget to mention we were staying on a private island? Well we were......what did you think, someone of my stature would wade around in the common folk located across the bay? Dear God man! Don't you know me at all?.....when we finally arrived at our private island I was terrified to learn that my roommate was in fact a giant jellyfish!



Lo and behold I was informed that this is actually a mosquito net and unless I wanted to increase my chances of getting malaria I'd better get used to sleeping in one.



The beach was spectacular. There were only 30 people on the whole island including the staff. One day I actually kayaked around the island with a few other guests only to learn that "takes one hour......no problem!" is actually Vietnamese for, "takes three hours........no shade....you burn up under hot sun asshole!"



Dinner was prepared right in front of us for that authentic feel.



All in all Ha Long Bay was not to disappoint. The views were incredible and the staff and food was excellent! What more could you ask for? On to Sapa!!!



Unfortunately we couldn't get the "soft sleeper" so we were forced to book the "hard sleeper" ticket. That meant that there were six of us crammed into something the size of a Canadian prison cell. Caley's bed actually came with air conditioning, but that's only because the fan blade was inches from her face.



The town of Sapa was breathtaking, sort of like Vietnam's answer to Whistler Village. Since it's located so high up in the mountains it's actually quite cool which is a welcome change from Hanoi where I lost about 3 litres of sweat before breakfast each day.



This stupid machine I have dubbed the "Christmas Machine." I think it takes your weight but in truth it just follows me from town to town annoying the shit out of me. I'm pretty sure it's the same damn guy. Not only have I NEVER seen anyone get their weight taken but it plays the same three Christmas tunes over and over at an octave slightly higher than that noise your car door makes when it's ajar. Dad, you'd love this thing!




Sapa is the trekking capital of the north so we joined up with a guide who took us all around the mountains.



Upon first glance you might get the impression that our guide is a little inexperienced but let me tell you he can chug rice wine with the best of them!



I tried to ask these tribal natives what they were selling but I couldn't hear their answers.......their shirts were too loud.



Get this. This little shit wouldn't let us cross his bridge unless we paid him a toll, a la Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. I told our guide to point out to him that I was tired, dirty, wet, and I was two feet taller and out-weighed him by about 100lbs but our guide opted to pay him a fee instead.



Majestic!



Serene!



Sanitary cooking conditions!



That night we stayed with a hill tribe and had an amazing meal of spring rolls etc. The guides were all hilarious and we got drunk and played quiz games all evening........you know......instead of just getting drunk.



Another fantastic trip in Vietnam! Sapa was especially incredible because we got to see so many cultures and all joking aside it really did open your heart when you saw how poor some of these villagers are. This place really left an impression on me and I will never forget how friendly everyone was. If you are ever in Vietnam, sign up for a trek around here!

Good Morning Vietnam!!! Hanoi (July 2nd-18)

The following takes place between 6:00 and 7:00 pm on July 2nd. My name is Will Nelson and this was the longest day of my life.

I arrived in Ho Chi Minh(Saigon) at the airport with no cash and no idea of what to do. Vietnam is apparently by far the least westernized of any country in the region. My plane left in about twelve hours but somehow I didn't think that all the guys dressed in green with guns and walkie talkies wanted me to hang around the airport. (Oh and a bit of a side note, if you have a beard, a Canadian passport and were born in a country that's been making the news because of failed bombing attempts, give yourself an extra hour to clear customs!) "Okay I said to myself, no big deal. Let's think rationally. I'll approach a tour desk and ask for help. Except one problem. They didn't speak broken English.....their English was beyond repair. Alright I thought, best get some cash because usually that will get the ball rolling. That looks like an ATM over there. Ah! All the signs are in Vietnamese ....do I speak Vietnemese? Searching...... the answer is no. Shit.Okay let's hit a bunch of buttons and see what happens! Let's see....looks like it's asking me how much I want to take out. What the $%^*????4,000,000d.....WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CURRENCY IS THAT?!? I don't want to take a goddamn mortgage out!!! I'll just take out 15,000d. Alright back to the "travel desk." "Hello!.....I would like a hotel.....yes sleep for a few hours.....you know a place? Yes I have money. Here..........what the hell is so funny? What's this? Currency exchange? Oh alright, let's see....the exchange rate is 15:1....you mean fifteen thousand of your shitty dollars are worth one US dollar?!? And I thought we had it bad. Okay I'll get more cash out and be right back.

Ahem....yes it's me again. I just took out money and here it is. I want a place to sleep. Yes I'm tired. I just spent nine fucking hours on one of the shittiest airlines I've ever been on. I'm pretty sure that pilot crashed on the landing and I'm in hell......why are you nodding and smiling at me? You don't understand a word I'm saying right now do you? Okay where is a hotel? Ah! Good, a book with a bunch of hotels? Yes I want a cheap one! $14 a night, sounds good. They're full? No room? Okay what else? Is it cheap? No I'm not spending$195 a night. What do you mean nowhere else? Give me that goddamn book! (Snatches the book out of her hand.) There! What about that one? Yeah that's what I thought, nice try though, get calling right now! They have a room? Good. Fine. Super. I'll take a taxi. You've been more than useless, come to Canada, our airport will welcome you with open arms."

I managed to get up to Hanoi in the north without any other major problems. I expected to be greeted by my travel companions with hugs and kisses and open arms!! Instead I met Skeletor and what appeared to be a starving war refugee who informed me that we would be spending my first day in the South-East Asian region in a hospital because they contracted the Ebola virus somewhere in Laos. All joking aside, whatever they had was pretty nasty. Every time they went into the bathroom it sounded like someone was dumping a bucket of golf balls into a deep pond. But a few IV drips later and they were bouncing around and ready to go to our first museum....maybe that should read, "I was bouncing around and they decided to take me out for some fresh air."



Here's the only picture I took of the Ethnology Museum. Weird that they picked up chicks back then the same way that I do now. Apparently "Ethnology" is the study of people and cultures. Who cares? Let's get to the prison!!



These guys must have been "petrified."



This photograph really stuck with me. This is the prison warden talking to all of the American pilots who were shot down over the country during the Vietnam war. Right before their release, the pilots were given all of their personal possessions back, and unlike other POW's during the war, the pilots were treated rather well. Some of these guys had been in jail for the better part of a decade before they were released!



Circumcision was mandatory.

Museum hopping was getting a little tedious and just when I wasn't sure what to do I was in the travel office when I overheard this guy mention an upcoming football game. I'd never been to one before so I struck up a conversation with him and the next night the four of us went to the Asian World Cup! (Which, by the way, is sort of like watching the American Cricket Team in action but it was a blast anyway!)



Since the girls were still a little queasy we stopped off at a dirty little diner that was wedged in between an alley way and tucked ourselves into a $1.50 feast!!!



The stadium was outrages! I'd never been to a sports event where the army showed up before. I tried to get a picture but the guys in black with truncheons looked a lot tougher with their truncheons and black attire so I moved on.



Go Vietnam!!!



Take...me out to the ball game....take me out to the crowd! They don't care if you're white or your black. Please god please just let me get back (alive.) So I'll root....root, root for the home team.........obviously I'm joking here it was AMAZING! Everyone was so friendly. We WERE however the only black and white people there and I think I must have been in about 600 photographs!



Vietnam!!!!......Vietnam!!!......it's not creative or anything but boy was it catchy!



We made sure we had our team colours on too!



And guess who won? WAHOOOOOooooooo!!!!!



And after the game was over the gay pride parade came by for an appearance. Then it was off to Ha Long Bay for a little R&R and then on to Sapa for some trekking before it was back to Hanoi!





After an exciting time at the football game we decided to go a little more traditional and treat ourselves to the wonderful art of water puppetry. This was cool for approximately six seconds. Granted the whole "play" was in Vietnamese so I wouldn't understand it anyway, okay fine I can deal with that. But for some reason or other the director felt that it was his obligation to make us a part of the show. Did they go all out on aesthetics? No. Did they have audience participation? No. Did they give me my money back? No. They turned the volume up so high that I swear to god my ears started bleeding. Anybody who has trouble staying awake at work should really look into a copy of this. The play makes you feel like you're a POW in the late 60's. I couldn't hear anything for two days afterward except the incessant ringing noise and for some reason I developed a craving for spring rolls and Chuckie movies.



Museums can get awfully boring but this one was really interesting. Across from Lenin Park is the Vietnam War History Museum. The above picture is of a Soviet Mig fighter jet that shot down a bunch of American fighters......or so the placard claims.



This famous photograph was taken in the middle of the Vietnam war. It's of a soldier armed with a three pronged bomb that he has to plummet, (along with himself,) into the hatch of an enemy tank which was considered very brave...............um.............yeah.........I guess you really had to prove yourself before you made Sergent.



Missiles are cool.



This is the tank that smashed through the walls of the Presidential Palace in the famous picture taken on April 30th 1975.



All of these aircraft were taken down by the North Vietnamese between 1964 and 1975.



No wonder the US lost! The Vietnamese developed the technology to shrink their soldiers down to the size of ants!! Now how can you fight against that?



This is the Hanoi Flag tower which sits right in the middle of the Army quarters. It's surrounded by equipment taken from the French during the Vietnam war for Independence. Yes the French lost that one too.



And lastly Lenin Park!! This statue is a true testament that capitalism will never take hold in this part of the world............massage for $7 US? Sure, why not?

Syndey (July 2-5)

I arrived in Sydney and this was the last leg of the Aussie part of my trip. In a few days I fly out to Vietnam into a whole new world. (Shining, shimmering spleeeeendor!) Ads was nice enough to put me up for a few days so I repaid him by taking him out to the ice bar with a few friends I'd met on the road. Pay $40 for two mix drinks and a half an hour of freezing your ass off? Who wouldn't be tempted? Since Adam wasn't a low-life like me, he actually had a job to go to in the morning so I had to amuse myself by taking in all the cultural aspects that make Sydney so unique. Like the museum for instance.



Told you I'd get pussy on this trip.



I thought this was pretty cool. A cow got his leg stuck in a barbwire fence and rather than remove the wire or turn him into a cheeseburger, the farmer did the only humane thing possible. He made the animal suffer for ten excruciating years just to show thousands of tourists what a healing bone looks like. Thanks Farmer Brown!



The bone ranger!



In all seriousness this museum was pretty cool. They had an exhibition on rare stones and gems, an exibit on aboriginal history, a skeletal section and.....hold it a sec......did that thing just move?!?



This might be my favorite picture that I took on the trip so far. I love that even the two year- old kid in the corner thinks I'm immature.



Artsy.



This exhibit "rocked." (Digging deep for material here.)



The Steve Hull of Spiders.



This specimen explained how I was to improve my love life.



I don't think this is quite what Jesus had in mind...




When you're by yourself you make your own fun. At this point the security guards started giving me weird looks so I decided it was time to depart the museum.



The next day I had breakfast at a cafe downtown. I thought these birds were pretty neat until I had to wrestle my milk and sugar packets away from them. This guy was even less amused.



Had to do it...................here's the second most taken picture of a tourist attraction in Australia......the Harbour Bridge! (Clash cymbals here.)



And here is the most taken photo of a tourist attraction in Australia. The tour was really impressive however, I even got to see all the different theatres within an hour which is a rare occurrence.




A few friends and I also made it over to Manley Beach and although it was cold it was still worth the fairy trip over!







Call me Wharf.



And so dear readers, it is here that a chapter in this story ends. Having spent a glorious four months touring New Zealand and now Australia, I must depart and continue the next saga in the adventure. South-East Asia.............heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer's Willie!!!!