The following takes place between 6:00 and 7:00 pm on July 2nd. My name is Will Nelson and this was the longest day of my life.
I arrived in Ho Chi Minh(Saigon) at the airport with no cash and no idea of what to do. Vietnam is apparently by far the least westernized of any country in the region. My plane left in about twelve hours but somehow I didn't think that all the guys dressed in green with guns and walkie talkies wanted me to hang around the airport. (Oh and a bit of a side note, if you have a beard, a Canadian passport and were born in a country that's been making the news because of failed bombing attempts, give yourself an extra hour to clear customs!) "Okay I said to myself, no big deal. Let's think rationally. I'll approach a tour desk and ask for help. Except one problem. They didn't speak broken English.....their English was beyond repair. Alright I thought, best get some cash because usually that will get the ball rolling. That looks like an ATM over there. Ah! All the signs are in Vietnamese ....do I speak Vietnemese? Searching...... the answer is no. Shit.Okay let's hit a bunch of buttons and see what happens! Let's see....looks like it's asking me how much I want to take out. What the $%^*????4,000,000d.....WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CURRENCY IS THAT?!? I don't want to take a goddamn mortgage out!!! I'll just take out 15,000d. Alright back to the "travel desk." "Hello!.....I would like a hotel.....yes sleep for a few hours.....you know a place? Yes I have money. Here..........what the hell is so funny? What's this? Currency exchange? Oh alright, let's see....the exchange rate is 15:1....you mean fifteen thousand of your shitty dollars are worth one US dollar?!? And I thought we had it bad. Okay I'll get more cash out and be right back.
Ahem....yes it's me again. I just took out money and here it is. I want a place to sleep. Yes I'm tired. I just spent nine fucking hours on one of the shittiest airlines I've ever been on. I'm pretty sure that pilot crashed on the landing and I'm in hell......why are you nodding and smiling at me? You don't understand a word I'm saying right now do you? Okay where is a hotel? Ah! Good, a book with a bunch of hotels? Yes I want a cheap one! $14 a night, sounds good. They're full? No room? Okay what else? Is it cheap? No I'm not spending$195 a night. What do you mean nowhere else? Give me that goddamn book! (Snatches the book out of her hand.) There! What about that one? Yeah that's what I thought, nice try though, get calling right now! They have a room? Good. Fine. Super. I'll take a taxi. You've been more than useless, come to Canada, our airport will welcome you with open arms."
I managed to get up to Hanoi in the north without any other major problems. I expected to be greeted by my travel companions with hugs and kisses and open arms!! Instead I met Skeletor and what appeared to be a starving war refugee who informed me that we would be spending my first day in the South-East Asian region in a hospital because they contracted the Ebola virus somewhere in Laos. All joking aside, whatever they had was pretty nasty. Every time they went into the bathroom it sounded like someone was dumping a bucket of golf balls into a deep pond. But a few IV drips later and they were bouncing around and ready to go to our first museum....maybe that should read, "I was bouncing around and they decided to take me out for some fresh air."
Here's the only picture I took of the Ethnology Museum. Weird that they picked up chicks back then the same way that I do now. Apparently "Ethnology" is the study of people and cultures. Who cares? Let's get to the prison!!
These guys must have been "petrified."
This photograph really stuck with me. This is the prison warden talking to all of the American pilots who were shot down over the country during the Vietnam war. Right before their release, the pilots were given all of their personal possessions back, and unlike other POW's during the war, the pilots were treated rather well. Some of these guys had been in jail for the better part of a decade before they were released!
Circumcision was mandatory.
Museum hopping was getting a little tedious and just when I wasn't sure what to do I was in the travel office when I overheard this guy mention an upcoming football game. I'd never been to one before so I struck up a conversation with him and the next night the four of us went to the Asian World Cup! (Which, by the way, is sort of like watching the American Cricket Team in action but it was a blast anyway!)
Since the girls were still a little queasy we stopped off at a dirty little diner that was wedged in between an alley way and tucked ourselves into a $1.50 feast!!!
The stadium was outrages! I'd never been to a sports event where the army showed up before. I tried to get a picture but the guys in black with truncheons looked a lot tougher with their truncheons and black attire so I moved on.
Go Vietnam!!!
Take...me out to the ball game....take me out to the crowd! They don't care if you're white or your black. Please god please just let me get back (alive.) So I'll root....root, root for the home team.........obviously I'm joking here it was AMAZING! Everyone was so friendly. We WERE however the only black and white people there and I think I must have been in about 600 photographs!
Vietnam!!!!......Vietnam!!!......it's not creative or anything but boy was it catchy!
We made sure we had our team colours on too!
And guess who won? WAHOOOOOooooooo!!!!!
And after the game was over the gay pride parade came by for an appearance. Then it was off to Ha Long Bay for a little R&R and then on to Sapa for some trekking before it was back to Hanoi!
After an exciting time at the football game we decided to go a little more traditional and treat ourselves to the wonderful art of water puppetry. This was cool for approximately six seconds. Granted the whole "play" was in Vietnamese so I wouldn't understand it anyway, okay fine I can deal with that. But for some reason or other the director felt that it was his obligation to make us a part of the show. Did they go all out on aesthetics? No. Did they have audience participation? No. Did they give me my money back? No. They turned the volume up so high that I swear to god my ears started bleeding. Anybody who has trouble staying awake at work should really look into a copy of this. The play makes you feel like you're a POW in the late 60's. I couldn't hear anything for two days afterward except the incessant ringing noise and for some reason I developed a craving for spring rolls and Chuckie movies.
Museums can get awfully boring but this one was really interesting. Across from Lenin Park is the Vietnam War History Museum. The above picture is of a Soviet Mig fighter jet that shot down a bunch of American fighters......or so the placard claims.
This famous photograph was taken in the middle of the Vietnam war. It's of a soldier armed with a three pronged bomb that he has to plummet, (along with himself,) into the hatch of an enemy tank which was considered very brave...............um.............yeah.........I guess you really had to prove yourself before you made Sergent.
Missiles are cool.
This is the tank that smashed through the walls of the Presidential Palace in the famous picture taken on April 30th 1975.
All of these aircraft were taken down by the North Vietnamese between 1964 and 1975.
No wonder the US lost! The Vietnamese developed the technology to shrink their soldiers down to the size of ants!! Now how can you fight against that?
This is the Hanoi Flag tower which sits right in the middle of the Army quarters. It's surrounded by equipment taken from the French during the Vietnam war for Independence. Yes the French lost that one too.
And lastly Lenin Park!! This statue is a true testament that capitalism will never take hold in this part of the world............massage for $7 US? Sure, why not?
