Cairns-Alice Springs (June 16-18)

So after saying goodbye to a good friend of mine from Amsterdam with a few shots of the dreaded Absinthe, I decided it was high time to get the hell out of Cairns and start seeing the 'real' Australia. Cairns is a fun city if you're into freezing your ass off in the lagoon

or trying to purchase a pair of sandals in the shape of crocodiles.....it's basically tourist shit heaven. So I opted instead to sign up for a three day outback tour that would take me all the way out to Alice Springs in the middle of the Northern Territory. Besides, I was sick of the weather as it had been raining solidly for almost 12 straight days and I figured if it didn't get sunny in the outback then it never would. This was my tour guide Al.

What I didn't realize was that God was playing a cruel joke on me that weekend and decided to make it pour even harder after the first day on the road. Since most of the roads were washed out, we couldn't take any of the dirt paths and had to stick to the paved roads instead, which changed out trip from a meager 2100kms to an excruciating 2700kms.......sweet! The picture bellow was taken of a road as it was washing out underneath us!

For those of you who want to feel like you're the last person left on the face of the earth I highly recommend the drive. There is absolutely NOTHING out there minus a few scattered towns that look like the set of the movie "Wolf Creek." On our first day, we stopped off at a pub that made you feel right at home by displaying all of the pickled poisonous snakes that had been caught around the bar.

In the backyard there was an emu that would casually stroll into the pub when it was bored. There was also this guy who was a little pissed off so we kept our distance!

I still showed them how we did it in Canada though!

That night we stopped off at at a quaint little town for the night and partied in the only hostel/bar in the area with all the locals. These were interesting people if you enjoyed debating the finer points of cattle farming and shitalking the local cops when they came to clear everyone out at around three in the morning. The 'ol "Nelson Charm" wasn't working that night so I had to resort to other means...

The next day we departed for the town of Waltzing Matilda which is a really big deal in Aus because it's the name of their unofficial national anthem. It's a song about a thief who commits suicide by drowning himself in a waterhole rather than face some jail time for stealing a sheep. Thankfully, this way of thinking has percolated into all forms of Australian culture today and honestly I think it's amazing that some of these people can even get their legs through the correct pant hole in the morning.

After that it was off to the Walkabout Creek Hotel where the movie Crocodile Dundee was filmed. (The first one that is, not the one where Paul Hogan goes to New York or whatever..)

That night we celebrated out arrival at the hotel by getting wasted and making passes at one another.

With a hangover and an early start under our belts the next day we took off at five in the morning so we could make it to the natural rock formation known as "Devils Marbles." At one point in the road, there are no curves for 67 kms, you really do feel like you're in the middle of nowhere!

The devil's marbles truly are an incredible sight, they were formed by a combination of erosion and cracks in the earth's crust and the whole site, (we were told repeatedly ad nauseum,) is sacred to the aboriginals.

Very sacred to the aboriginals....

EXTREMELY sacred to the aboriginals!!!!!

Finally it was off to one of the only four remaining telegraph stations in Australia before we made it into Alice Springs. I only took one pic of the town but I think I managed to capture both the cultural divide and the unique history that makes this one of the most lawless and dangerous towns to live in in all of Australia.

Cape Tribulation (June 12-14)

So I arrived in Cairns all lonesome and with nothing to do. While buying eight pairs of sandals shaped like alligators and shipping them all home to random friends was pretty appealing I opted instead to book a two night trip up to Cape Tribulation which is a National Park and Rain forest. Even though it didn't stop raining since the moment I left, I had an amazing time and saw quite a bit of the local wildlife! The first stop was an animal sanctuary where we got to see injured animals crawling around and still surviving on their broken wings and severed limbs .....sort of like reverse Darwinism at it's finest.



Yes....that is a snake in my pocket.



AAAWWWWWwwwwwwww!!!!!!!



Even though this looks like your typical "drop" bear...heh heh..little Aussie humor there....it's actually a tree kangaroo. Which is funny because I thought it looked like Paddy Scace after a big night out.



Pretty bird......



Pretty bird.....Polly want a cracker?

After that it was time to head up to Mossman Gorge which is a rain forest about a half hour's drive north of Port Douglas.



This is a bridge. Yes, they have those in Australia too.



Whoo hoo, look out Group of Seven!!!



I couldn't resist!

After the nature walk, (in which I and a guy from the Checz Republic got totally lost and ended up getting screamed at by the bus driver for holding up the tour for half an hour,) we departed for the Daintree River Cruise in order to get into Cape Tribulation which is one of the only world heritage rain forests in the world.



This is our guide who was quite entertaining. He told us all about the stupid tourists who'd tried to get that "perfect picture" in the river and ended up having their asses handed to them by a croc!! HA! Stupid tourists! (Remember that for later on.)



Croc!



Red bellied snake! (Very poisonous!)

The first night I got to the lodge I decided that if I was really to experience the natural wonder of the rain forest then I would have to get in touch with nature itself. And what better way to do this than to go on a guided nature walk in the middle of the night?



What I didn't know was that even though I was sweating my balls off it was apparently still too cold for a lot of the animals to come out and play and all we saw were bugs and spiders. Still it was pretty interesting, especially when we turned off all our lights and all you could see was black and hear the the noises of the wildlife all around you. The spider featured above is a "throw" spider, it differs from your traditional spider because it weaves a tine web in the shape of a net and throws it at its victims. Maybe we finally found a way for Fleming to get a date!



I couldn't get a shot of it but two seconds after this pic was taken the frog let loose and pissed all over the guide! Definitely the highlight of the nature walk!



Since I had some time to kill in the morning I decided to grab a few people and hitchhike into the brush to become one with nature!



The Rain forest was really amazing but you had to keep reminding yourself that you were in a rain forest with real animals that could in fact kill you. Australia is home to eight of the ten deadliest snakes in the world. Now include all of the wild boars, frogs, lizards, spiders and crocs and you begin to understand why the Aussies are a little funny...



Ah haaaaaaaaa........Seriously I think I'm getting dumber.....

Magnetic Island (June 6-8)

After recharging my batteries, shifting 'er back into neutral, catching some z's....whatever you want to call it I was ready to get out there and get back at it. Surely it would be easier on the partying now that I was away from all those tea sipping Brits right? Wrong! As soon as I stepped off the Greyhound I ran into a bunch of Guinness chugging Irish that I met on Fraser Island.



So.........here we go again!



We had almost been on the island for twenty whole minutes before we found a bar!



Still this island, located just east of Townsville, was very pretty and relaxing. There really wasn't much to do except soak in the sun, drive around in four by fours, play volleyball and chill out on the amazing beaches.



This is me being Hunter Thompson again.



With lack of a better idea, we decided to stroll out to the pier to see what the fishermen were up to. Fishing no doubt!



This is me being "artsy."



This is Alan using his therm-a-rest to keep his beer cold.



Well whadya know?



Honestly there's not that much else to write here, it was beautiful, the scenery was spectacular and we had a great time. The highlight of the trip had to be when Dave coerced two girls into the back of the 4 by 4 around midnight to help him drink a then unopened bottle of vodka with no mix. Will. Out.

Airlee Beach/Agnes Watter and 1770 (June 2-5)

Alright, alright!!! Are you happy?!? I'm updating the blog!!! Now you all have something to do at work besides your job!!! So the last night in Airlee Beach was my last night with the British crew that I was traveling with so they decided to throw me a little shing dig, which I thought was awfully nice of them! And wouldn't you know it but some of the crew from the BoomAAARRRRang even showed up to see me off! And guess what? Since they'd known I'd been away for awhile they decided to do it Canadian style and got the cook to make me up a tray of..........get ready for it........you better sit down...........



POUTINE!!! Sweet, succulent poutine!! It melted in my mouth......actually it melted my mouth. It's been so long since I've eaten my favorite food group that I burned the living hell out of my upper palette but it was awesome all the same!



And wouldn't you know it? That day I decided to join "pedophiles unite," also known as "facebook," and I got a message from a friend telling me that Mike Keagan was actually working in Airlee Beach. I had no way to contact him but guess who I ran into at the bar I was at? And on his last night before he left for home! Some parties were just meant to be. We celebrated by forming a train on the dance floor during "500 miles."



Practically everyone showed up to send me off which was really swell! They even bought me a hat that made me look like a homosexual Hunter Thompson and all signed it!



And of course who could forget the three lovely sisters from the United States? You might remember them from the Whitsunday Sailing tour!!



It got REALLY hot in one of the club's we were at so the Americans decided to say goodbye to me by stripping down and showing me their cans.



Then they got thirsty. Careful! You're spilling!



I REALLY hope their father sees this blog......maybe he's on facebook???



My friends the pervs.....

Anywho, after making sure that my liver was about to explode I decided to head back to Bundaberg to get work which was a complete disaster. I won't even bother going into it because it's just not that interesting a story. I decided I needed to get my head on straight so I headed up to the joining towns of Agnes Water and 1770 for a little R & R. This town is amazing and if you ever make it to Aus, don't miss this spot and the hostel called "Cool Bananas."



No sooner did I check into my hostel did I discover that you could rent scooters shaped like chopper motorcycles. After watching the movie "Easy Rider," the whole way through, drawing up a tattoo of a heart with the word "mom" and an arrow through it, dawning a pair of kick-ass aviators and a wife beater with a skull and cross bones I felt I was sufficiently prepared.



I am all that is man.



So bad ass.



This is a picture of my gang's bikes. We stopped to look at kangaroos but I didn't see any because I was too busy taking pictures of myself and looking bad ass.



Still so bad ass.



Soon we'll be moving into Canada. We're actually the ones who got rid of the Banditos but we're blaming it on the Hells Angels so that we can team up with Satan's Choice to get rid of them too.



Our ride ended with a spectacular sunset and beers and chips by the ocean. This picture isn't bad ass, but that's because you can't see me mugging and old lady as I'm taking it.